TODAY – We will get you on a bike. I dunno how that will be possible through the internet, but it sounds like the right thing to say.
More realistically, what we will do is to give you a checklist if you are ever looking at a used bike, say, off Craigslist.
Long story short: Rust is really bad, wrecked wheels and tires are really bad, a clean bike is really good, and things generally shouldn’t wobble, squeak, or rattle at all. More in-depth suggestions below!